Pach's Real Talk: Catherine

Greetings gamers! It's time to get a little bit weird up in here. It's time to talk about your sex life. What is that, you ask? Well, when other human beings go outside the realm of video game blogs and hentai, sometimes they discover something... something horrifying. It's called a "girl". These "girls" are complex creatures that take on many different roles and forms, sort of like a shape shifter. "Girls" can have a plethora of effects on a gamer's life, they can make you feel big, make you feel small, and sometimes they can make you feel big and then small if it's really good (AMIRITE?!... totally getting banned for bigotry...). But all that aside, no game in existence lets you know what it's like to betray a girl quite like Catherine.

Real talk.

If you folks read my previous entry about Amnesia: The Dark Descent, then you know that the "feeling" of a game is quite important to me. Our ability to empathize with and put ourselves in the shoes of a protagonist is absolutely paramount to a game having a lasting effect on our lives. Atlus has done some super cool stuff in the past (Demon Souls anyone?), and with Catherine they have really outdone themselves.

Lets just jump right in, shall we?

I want you to use your imagination for a minute and put yourself in a situation you've probably never experienced before: You've got an attractive girlfriend. Picture it... think hard... no you can't have Jessica Alba... B-List please. Ok. Ok good. Now, I want you to imagine another scenario that probably isn't so far out there: You're a terrible person with stupid friends. Combine those two together and you've got our protagonist - Vincent!

But Pach! You just contradicted yourself! You said it was important to be able to put ourselves in the character's shoes and then threw a curve ball my way! Well, listen closely: I definitely mentioned the importance of being able to empathize with a character and then immediately afterwards put you in a scenario that you've probably never been in before... HOWEVER, what's important with connecting to a video game is not the specific detailing of the protagonist's daily life (you aren't a dude with a 10 foot long sword either but I bet you cried like a little girl when Aerith died). What's important are the emotions being expressed by the character - frustration, sadness, joy, triumph, betrayal, and the circumstances that surround them. These are the things that, if portrayed properly and realistically, ANY player can connect with on a personal level. It's a rule that applies regardless of a character's specific situation (i.e. what he had for breakfast, whether he's famous or a loser, hobbit or orc, etc.). It makes you "remember that time when..." and really puts you in a position of vulnerability to the game's story devices.

So here we go - You begin as Vincent, a mild mannered game programmer with a pretty hot girlfriend. She's got a job, life goals, and is successful. But after 5ish years, she finally wants Vincent to tie the knot with her. Unenthusiastic about getting married, Vincent consults with his retarded friends: a bro, a depressed chain smoker, and a college kid. They all give him terrible life advice about women, and then leave him alone at a bar. Sound familiar yet? Thought so. Vincent then proceeds to get completely blasted out of his damned mind. He begins talking to himself... mulling over the various horrors of marriage and so forth... when BAM BOOM BAZAOW!!!! A smoking hot blonde walks into the bar. Since Vincent is the only one there, she sits next to him. You both chat it up for a little bit, talking about relationships and the universe as a whole, and Vincent leaves pretty much empty handed. Simple.

Then, the next morning HOLY TAP DANCING JESUS she's in the bed with you... and yes, you guys totally banged. Oh, did I mention that Vincent doesn't live with his girlfriend after 5 years? Yeah, pretty sweet deal. So anyway, there he is with this crazy hot woman in his bed, and the story begins.

Now, without getting into any of the crazy plotline stuff or spoilers, lets talk gameplay elements. You as Vincent constantly cycle between two phases of the game - the bar phase, and the nightmare phase. Every day, some crazy stuff happens with Katherine (your girlfriend) and Catherine (the hot blonde) that puts strain on your relationships in various ways. Every night you go to the bar, do what you want, then go home and go to sleep. So the progression is bar, sleep, consequences, repeat.

Bar phase first - While in the bar you're in simple "I'm in a town in an rpg" mode. You can walk around, talk to your buddies, and chat up recent events with other patrons at the bar. Oh, and you can drink. You can drink a LOT. This phase is all about making decisions that affect both a.) the nightmare phase directly afterwards as well as b.) the story stuff later. The more you drink, the better you're able to handle the nightmare phase (your movement speed is increased and so forth), but the more you drink the more unstable your decisions are for the story stuff. That's part 1 of the bar. Part 2 is texting. You are constantly getting texts and/or phone calls from your girlfriend as well as from Catherine. The game has a pretty dynamic system that allows you to choose from various, situation specific phrases and then actively compose responses (line by line) to these text messages. The texts you receive can vary anywhere from your girlfriend nagging you to Catherine wanting to send you nudes (F*** YEAH!). Each text you receive and respond to can change the way your following morning is going to go. Also, as an added bonus: every time you drink a full glass of a certain type of booze, the game provides you with a fun fact about that type of liquor! These are actually pretty cool, and are different every night for every type of booze (there are 4).

Annnnnd the nightmare phase - This is where things start to get a little weird. To make a long story short, if you die in the nightmare phase you die in real life... so it's important to not die. The nightmare phase is where the actual "game" takes place. The nightmare places you in large, creepy rooms of a giant cathedral... and you are constantly climbing various towers of blocks. Wait, what the huh? This is a block puzzle game? What? Where am I? Who am I? I thought this was.....ngFUUUUU- (bear with me). The block puzzles involve you climbing this tower with speed and mental dexterity so that you can escape a dark force that is constantly pursuing you. You are able to shift the blocks around to make your passage more efficient, as well as collect power ups that allow you to avoid the many traps and special blocks that obstruct your path.

The dark force takes on many forms and for the boss fights it actually takes on physical entities that put a fun-house mirror to what's happening in the story (have you ever been attacked by a monster that is an embodiment of kama sutra sex positions? Man, you just haven't lived yet...). There are usually 3 block towers to climb per room, per night, culminating in a boss battle. In between each puzzle you find yourself on a central hub area that remains frequent throughout the storyline. Oh, and you're surrounded by sheep-people dressed in human clothing... WHAT THE- (bearrrrrrrrr with me).

The sheep people are also trying to escape the block towers, and give you various hints on how to not die. You can chat them up, find out their hopes and dreams, and sometimes see them climbing their own towers in the background of the various levels. Often times you may even find yourself sharing a tower with other desperate sheep... who will totally push you off if you give them the chance because sheep are dick bags. Many of the sheep on the hub are actually reoccurring characters that you can talk to each time you reach a new level. Then, to transition from the hub to the next block tower... you go to sit down in a church confession booth and talk to a mysterious voice... OK SERIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT EVEN FORMING REAL WORDS WITH YOUR MOUTH ANYMO- (bear with me bear with me you're almost there!).

Finally, once you're sitting in the confession booth, the mysterious voice asks you a very personal "door 1 or door 2"-esque question about your own personal relationships. Anything from your thoughts on marriage, to whether your significant other dressing like a baby and sitting on your lap would turn you on or not. This is followed by a graph showing you what others answered on the same question (via online survey), and a transition to the next block tower. Ok... ok whew. You made it.

So the next question you should be thinking is "WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD EVER, AND WHY DO YOU LIKE THIS GAME!?!?" The answer, my dear gamers, is metaphor.

While it may be difficult to explain all the strange, ridiculous, sheep loving, often subtle details of the game, this is allllll one big metaphor for relationships and how we deal with them. The developers at Atlus wanted you to feel like you're constantly doing what we all do when placed in awkward, uncomfortable situations: run... run and try to avoid the problem. Let's be honest, this is an impulse that we ALL deal with to a certain extent when faced with confrontations of deep, emotional vulnerability... and Catherine forces you to face those confrontations head on. You run, climb, jump, and try to escape the problems that are chasing you (via the block towers and dark force in various forms) only to find out that you CAN'T run from these things and are forced to make a decision (via the confession booth). Then you watch that decision played out in real time the next day, blending everything together from texts to block towers to decisions to sheep. Why sheep, you ask? Well, the idea is that the more you face your problems, and don't run from your own emotions, the more you take control of your life and break free from the "herd" as it were. The more you learn about yourself, the more you're able to stand out from the crowd and become less of a victim. I know, it sounds like a long-shot but you had to be there...

So why does Pach love this game? Well, to further drive the point home, lets take a look at what this game actually does to you.

1.) You're forced to deal with meaningful temptation that requires personal reflection.

At our very core, we all want something more. We all want a hotter girlfriend/boyfriend, better careers, more money, better anything. Associated with these things are various forms of temptation that usually involve cheating or betraying our fellow human beings to get there quicker. It could be anything from leaving your wife for a more attractive friend of hers, to stealing a co-worker's big report and claiming it as your own. We all wonder what life would be like if things were a little bit different... a little bit "better". Being satisfied is something we all certainly dream of, but in actuality it's extraordinarily difficult to be completely "content". Proper use of temptation is a wonderful thing in video games... mainly because it is something so hard wired into our sense of self-worth that we can't help but to fall prey to it.

With Vincent, we see it everywhere - Vincent tempted into being a more outgoing person through alcohol, Vincent tempted into a better sex life with women, Vincent tempted into being the envy of his friends, and so forth. While this isn't necessarily the all encompassing list of what most of us have ever been tempted with, these are things that most people have desired at SOME point during their adult lives... and the game has some very clever tools that keep you constantly deciding which impulses to give in to. Let's briefly break each one down:

Temptation #1: You know that liquor is bad for your character's self-control, but it helps you deal with the nightmares more easily and teaches you fascinating things about the world (through the fun facts). The game provides you with enough of an incentive to at least TRY walking on the wild side, despite the dangers, and after each stressful event you are forced to re-evaluate how you would like to treat this part of your life.

Temptation #2: You've got a girlfriend... but DAMNIT Catherine is hot. She's fun loving, speaks your language, and she comes with zero serious commitments. Through the texting mechanic, you are forced to decide how much you want to deal with each of your separate responsibilities to both your girlfriend and Catherine, and the game does it in a very intelligent way. Rather than forcing you to make BIG decisions like "Marry girlfriend", "Sleep with Catherine tonight", or "Tell girlfriend the truth", the game forces you to make extremely frequent LITTLE decisions. When your girlfriend says "I love you" in a text, and you're out with Catherine, do you say "I love you" back? When Catherine tosses you a text about wanting to send you nudes, do you respond to it after your girlfriend just cleaned your house? All of these little things eventually add up to form the big picture of Vincent's life as you see it.

Temptation #3: Your friends are ridiculous, but hey... they're all you've got. After finding out what you've done, your friends (and the other patrons at the bar) react in various ways to your fidelity issues. Some think it's awesome, some wish they were in your shoes, others think you're making a mistake but will support you, and so forth. Their reactions change based on how you deal with Katherine and Catherine... so while they don't directly affect the gameplay, they affect you by making you choose whether you want to live by their standards or not.

2.) You're able to project pieces of yourself onto Vincent throughout the story.

While it is very important to be able to hop into the shoes of the protagonist, it's an element that is often difficult for developers to "plan" for in games that involve large amounts of dialogue. It's quite simple in a game like Zelda because your protagonist doesn't speak... so it's much easier for HIS voice to be YOUR voice. But in a game like Catherine, with a fully flushed out character like Vincent, it's a bit more complicated to mold that kind of experience. So what does the game do to mold Vincent appropriately? Well... they ask you!

Each and every time you complete a puzzle (there are about 25-30 in all), you are forced to answer a question that profiles how you think relationships should be. By question 10 or 11, the game can have a pretty fair understanding of how you think things should go down in the protagonist's life (assuming it asks the right questions, which it does)... and the game adjusts accordingly. This is a very unique mechanic that is reminiscent of "Silent Hill: Shattered Memories", where again the game finds out how you would like the story to progress by straight up asking you (and totally judging you based on your answers).

3.) The game forces you to make realistic choices

In a wide variety of games that allow story line decisions, alignment choice plays a big factor. Are you good or evil? Do you murder the guy or let him live? Do you steal the item you need or earn it through hard work? And... to be perfectly honest with you... I loathe these types of games from a narrative perspective. That is because what these games do (more often than not) is put the world in black and white, then reward you for choosing a side and playing it to the fullest. While yes, this does allow an amount of replay value and creates somewhat of a unique experience... have you ever thought about what these mechanics are actually for?

The ability to choose your own adventure goes allllll the way back to the wonderful world of D&D, and to tell you the truth - they built a system that did it right. How did they do it right? Because while there were always "good" and "bad" decisions to be made in every campaign, that wasn't the point. The point was that it was YOUR adventure. The point was that from beginning to end you were deciding how you wanted the world to work, and the game reacted to you on a moment to moment basis.

Now to be fair... each game of D&D does have a human mind controlling the progression of the story to a certain extent (meaning there are added opportunities for improvisation and various options), but the basic idea of creating your OWN story remains the same. Video games with branching storyline progression were built to mimic this pen and paper masterpiece... and more often than not, they fell short. Why? Well, we can claim it's because it's impossible to predict everything a player can come up with, but predicting player behavior isn't the point. Games aren't meant to account for EVERYTHING that a human mind can come up with, because they still must have a ruleset and patterns that you as a player are forced to operate within... just like anything else. However, what branching stories are meant to do is provide a player with interesting choices within the rules of the game (even if it only allows for a few), have those choices be truly meaningful to the game's progression, and then execute whatever path the player chooses with relevant consequences.

The point is this: just because you can be GOOD Luke Skywalker or EVIL Luke Skywalker doesn't change the fact that you're still playing a linear adventure with Luke ****ing Skywalker... even though game devs would like for you to think otherwise. It's very rare for decisions you make in a game to mean something relevant to the progression of the game, and often times you are manipulated into playing "purely" good or "purely" evil because the game rewards it more than playing the middle ground. What you end up with are simply 2 separate games to choose from rather than 1 unique game.. 1 truly unique adventure that is catered to your tastes. The truth is, life is not black and white. We flip flop every moment of every day on our decisions, because human beings are complicated creatures... and any game that advertises unique storyline progression should cater to that. Often times what games will do is either a.) make your decisions matter moment to moment (but not in the big picture), or b.) make your decisions matter in the big picture (but not moment to moment). An example of poor usage of each would be a.) it doesn't matter whether you choose a red car or a blue car to get to your destination, because you're still getting there regardless... or b.) it DOES matter which car you choose, but you end up not caring in the end because the destination is unrewarding, boring, similar to other destinations, and/or watered down to save time and developer resources. Each of these things causes you to stray more and more from the original intention of having your own, unique adventure where anything is possible.

Catherine, however, does this successfully by making your decisions matter on BOTH levels and by rewarding you for playing yourself (imagine that!). You are free to react honestly to situations because you are rewarded moment to moment based on how you deal with your texts, drinking, and friends... but you are also rewarded in the grand scheme of things because each of those moment to moment choices adds up to a unique big picture decision (i.e. how you want Catherine and Katherine to perceive you). The game doesn't punish you for playing the middle ground. In fact, it allows itself to be more interesting than black or white because you normally do play the middle ground in your everyday life.

Not only that, but the game does a very good job of making both Katherine and Catherine endearing parts of Vincent's life. More often than not, we feel like we have to make a hardcore decision in terms of how our game experience is going to go. Devs cater to this by making characters appealing in two polar opposite ways, mirroring your storyline choices with simple cookie cutter character choices (Brooding badass companion, anyone? Naive-but-means-well heroine companion, anyone?). But... what if BOTH characters had EQUAL value in terms of progressing the story? Whaaaaaaaat?! Normally characters are made to cater to either a "good" or "evil" side of you, and while at first K and C might seem like that's what they're doing, they are actually both catering to equally valid sides of the same coin. It's not as simple as one being what you're "supposed" to do and one being what you're "not supposed" to do, it's a matter of choosing how your life should be lived decision by decision. Risk vs. Safety, Unpredictable vs. Planned, Freedom vs. Order... and while you may think you want one more than the other, on a moment to moment basis things change and the game doesn't allow you to make sweeping statements about your alignment. You could want to have a cheeseburger today but still want to go on a diet tomorrow because THAT'S HOW HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY WORKS.

4.) The game indirectly exposes parts of your subconscious through gameplay.

Ok, we've gone all over the board with this write-up, so before we wrap things up I would like to point out one final important thing: you're a terrible person. No, seriously, you are... and this game will show you. It's one thing to say that you're a good person, or that you "wouldn't" do one thing or another, but if you put ANYONE in a controlled environment with no real life consequences for their actions... you're gonna see some hooker killing. That's what makes these open ended games so fascinating - you see sides of yourself that you didn't know were there. The developers at Atlus really made it clear that they wanted to see exactly what would happen if you played the game honestly... and they weren't afraid you were going to break their linear adventure if you strayed from the norm.

Ordinarily, would you have the balls to have an elaborate affair on your girlfriend/boyfriend? For most people the answer is probably not, and if you did you'd only do it with limitations for your own personal well being. But what if you could honestly go out and make a dramatic change in your life with zero meaningful repercussions for your actions? Like I said... a lot of dead hookers. Now, this isn't to say that in a game like Catherine your actions don't affect that world in a meaningful way... but it does allow for you to honestly, truly "act on impulse" in a lot of different situations, and the results can (and should) be startling. This is probably the most meaningful consequence of any good work of art - it reveals something about the audience that they never knew was there. Let me say that again - it reveals something about you, the player, that you never knew before playing the game. How cool is that? In a safe and controlled environment, you can actually learn more about what makes you tic as a human being... and have a pretty compelling story told to you at the same god damned time. That's what it's all about people.

So, in conclusion, this game is definitely on the weird side of things. It definitely runs the gambit of being too metaphorical and has some complicated stuff flowing through its plot... but at its very core the game is extremely well put together. It boasts an experience that most other games can only claim to hold a candle to, and it makes every adventure real and personal to you as a player. Who cares if you're not going to play through a game twice? The one time you played it, it changed the way you perceived the world. Will Catherine do that? Maybe not in so many words, but it will definitely make you think about yourself in a much more dynamic way and will definitely challenge you on many different psychological levels. Not a lot of games do that nowadays, and it's something that should be given more attention in all aspects of gaming and game design.

Catherine is rated M for Mature.

Trends in Game Creation: "Keep It Simple"

This article represents the beginning of yet another ongoing series.  The goal here is to look at game design/production trends with an excessively critical eye, in order to slowly peel off the layers of the game industry onion.  Once we've established what a given trend is, we can begin to analyze it and deconstruct the general ideas at play.  Through these articles, I hope to show you some facets of game development that you might have never considered before, and not always in a flattering light.  I decided to start this series with something that I find to be increasingly relevant in modern game creation: the "Keep It Simple" Principle (KISP for those who love acronyms).

"Hey Boston, what exactly is this trend?"

First, I should let you in on a little secret:  game companies exist to make the most money possible.  For some companies, the amount of money to be made is much higher than others.  However, for the purposes of this article, you need only know that developers and publishers are all in it for the profit.  I'm sure some of you are thinking: "But Boston, independent developers only care about making their fans happy, they don't care about money!" If that is indeed what you're thinking, then you couldn't be more incorrect.  The ONLY exceptions to the golden rule of profit are: if the developer has a substantial nest egg (generated from previous games, some other business venture, a trust fund, etc.) and has no need for the potential income from game titles, if the developer thinks that there is no potential loss of income from releasing the title for free (implying that they don't care if people buy it or not), or some variation of those two scenarios.  In any other case, the intent to make money is always there.  Think about all the big indy games over the past few years:  Super Meat Boy, Minecraft, Terraria, etc.  What do they have in common?  They became popular and sold like hot cakes.  They all used the revenue generated from their success to continually make their games better, while still making money hand over fist.  So these developers definitely care about their fans, right?  Of course they do, but so does every other developer in existence (to some extent).  The fans are the ones who purchase their games, and if they are unable to cater to the very people who play their game, then their game is probably not worth anyone's time.  You can argue with me and say that the money is just a bonus and that they're all truly in it to bring joy to the public, but then you'd be getting a little ridiculous.  For the sake of my sanity, all you need to know up to this point is that games are made with the intention of making money.  Plain and simple.

Need I say more?

The reason I brought this up is because the concept is of paramount significance when discussing most trends in the industry (especially this one).  So then, knowing what we know, I want you to pretend that you're a major developer.  You've made dozens of hit titles, and you have become your publisher's leading cash cow.  Your publisher tells you that you have to come up with a new IP, with the intent of making it into a hit franchise.  How do you go about making sure that your game will be successful?  You pick a wide-ranging demographic and appeal to as many people as possible.  Does your game need to be good as well?  Well yes, but only to start with.  At the very least, it needs to be somewhat innovative, but not to the point where it alienates your core audience.  If the first title is good enough to gather a substantial following, you know that you only have to iterate on your first successful title in order to continue the cash flow.  Case in point: Modern Warfare.  Once a franchise is established as a hit, a developer has almost free reign with whatever comes next, as long as they continue to iterate and appeal to their demographic.  This is where the KISP comes in.  

To this day, games are still seen as being undesirable and impenetrable to some.  The higher you go in generations, the more likely it becomes that you'll encounter this sentiment.  As time passes, the older generations are passing as well.  The current generation of developers most likely grew up on games, but not in the same way that the younger generations have.  They grew up in the age of Pong, Pac-man, and Space Invaders.  In other words, they grew up in a time where games were simple.  Whether this has stuck with them as their mantra throughout their careers, whether they derive nostalgia from simplicity, or however else they attempt to justify it - they will sometimes favor their version of simplicity over other alternatives.  Because of this false understanding of the need for simple games, certain figures in the industry have been trending towards dumbing down their franchises.  While this aggravates the younger generations of gamers, it also guarantees that the titles appeal to the broadest demographic possible.  When these games do well, the success is attributed to the game's simplicity, instead of the game's appeal to the lowest common denominator (or fans who were tricked because they enjoyed previous games in a franchise).  Because of this, the franchise will continue to get dumbed down, to the point where it's barely even a game any more.  This, my friends, is problematic.

Case in point (more on this later).

"But Boston, why should we care about this?" 

This trend has the potential to result in some less desirable games.  To illustrate this point, I'm going to reference a few franchises:  Fable, Mass Effect, Ninja Gaiden, and Demons Souls.  On one side, we have Demons Souls and Ninja Gaiden.  Both of these franchises have substantial followings, and both are known for the absurd level of difficulty featured in their games.  Let's look at these two games individually.  Ninja Gaiden has a difficulty curve resembling a vertical line.  However, is the game particularly complicated?  Not really.  When you get to the heart of it, it's just a combat-oriented platformer/adventure title.  None of the abilities or movesets are overly difficult to execute, and the world is not massive enough to constantly get lost in - the game is just simply hard, and all of the titles have sold quite well.  Why am I bringing this up?  People often confuse difficulty with complexity.  Just because something is difficult doesn't mean that it's overly complex, whereas an overly complicated game isn't necessarily difficult to conquer if you can understand the game's systems.  Part of the problem with the KISP trend is that complexity is being associated with difficulty, because older generations of gamers are finding both complex and difficult games to be equally impenetrable - causing them to dump both types of games into the same general category.  Demons Souls is another franchise along similar lines.  At its core, it's a hack-and-slash dungeon crawler with some Japanese influence.  Is it a difficult game?  It certainly is.  It's also more complex than Ninja Gaiden, simply because of the RPG elements featured in the game.  Even so, this series was an international success.  Is overwhelming simplicity a necessary evil that must be tolerated for the sake of success?  The series proves otherwise.  While not overly complicated, Demons Souls offers varying levels of complexity based on how deeply you want to explore the game.  In doing so, it appears to hit the sweet spot with relative simplicity accompanied by a heavy dose of optional complexity.

Even though a good amount of complexity is necessary, anyone who claims
to enjoy the complexity of Steel Battalion is either a liar, a masochist, or both.

On the other side, we have Fable.  This franchise is the primary inspiration for this article.  While never an overly complex franchise, Fable has succeeded in actually dumbing the game down to the point where it almost plays itself for you.  The games have never been particularly difficult, and they have also had some interesting systems.  As the franchise progressed to its second installment, it maintained the charm of the first title, but added some fun (and optional) complexity while still keeping things relatively simple.  Then Fable 3 came along.  I had fun with this game at first, but after the first few hours, I had no desire to keep playing.  I managed to trudge through the storyline and experience the end-game of becoming a king, only to come to the conclusion that nothing in the game really mattered at all -  no matter how much I wanted it to.  If I wanted to press 'A' to win, I would have played an Atari game.  The bosses in Fable 3 were uninteresting, and the world gave me no reason to explore unless I wanted items that didn't actually matter.  Sure, the writing is clever, but even incredible writing can't save a game that's drowning in simplicity.  I might come off as a Fable hater, but I really did try to enjoy my play experience.  I do not detest the franchise as a whole, I only dislike what it represents - extremely basic gameplay.  This series is the very reason that the trend frightens me.  As we have seen, even so-called "complex" games are really not all that confusing, and yet they still remain engaging, compelling, and most importantly, fun.  It's when people grievously misuse the KISP that I begin to get worried, and Fable 3 is the perfect example of a franchise moving in the wrong direction. 

Mass Effect is taking a slightly different road to Simple Town.  In their attempt to appeal to a broader audience (not that they needed to, with the game's success), they also dumbed the game down to some extent.  Bioware turned Mass Effect 2 into more of a shooter and less of an RPG (compared to the original title), while still keeping enough of the RPG elements to prevent the alienation of their fans.  While I am still not a fan of game simplification (especially with RPGs, but that's another story), I feel that Bioware did a solid job of preserving the bits of complexity that were essential to the game's success, while simplifying aspects of the game that they felt were in need of a "trim." This is the proper way to iterate through a franchise, generally speaking.  A developer needs enough pieces of a complex system to give their game the depth necessary to make it compelling.  It's really just a balancing act.

For those who like literal imagery.

What can we conclude from all this?

It is important to keep things simple enough to remain accessible, but not so simple that the game becomes forgettably effortless.  To be clear: I am not saying that simplicity is always a horrible thing.  I can think of plenty of simple games that are still incredibly entertaining, just as I can think of games that have fallen to the wayside by being too convoluted.   The key is to be aware of the portions of the game that need simplification, and those that are fine the way they are.  Games that essentially play themselves are just as awful as games that require a doctorate to understand.  For the most part, developers know where that fine line is.  As the gaming industry continues to evolve, so does the KISP.  Younger generations of game developers will have their own methods of creating intriguing systems.  However, it will always be important to keep the balance of simplicity and complexity in the back of their minds.

Saints Row: The Third

I have never played a game that punched me in the mouth and then told me to like it but that’s the only way to explain what I felt the first time I played this game. The game starts off running as you take part in a bank heist gone wrong that ends with a plane crash after being pursued by no less than 100 armed swat members. That’s the first section of the game before you do a single side quest or even take your first naked run. Action isn’t a strong enough word to describe this game and stunning doesn’t do the visuals justice. Watch and see what I mean, but keep reading (well, watch first then read).

Yeah, something like that.

So the controls are the same as the last two which means they’re laid out pretty much like your standard FPS (first person shooter) and that’s a very good thing. That means the controls are tight and responsive like a Ferrari fresh off the line, only with this ride no brakes are needed - or wanted! That doesn’t mean that there’s nothing else going on here though. They add fluidity to the controls that the two previous versions lacked and those few changes make all the difference. So take a simple move like jacking a car something we’ve all done before in GTA, for example.  Now blow it up till you no longer recognize it! Run up to a car and press the jack button to dive feet first through a window (Bo-Dukin’ It) and ride off in smooth fashion. So much faster than any other carjacking in any other game (and it’s a good thing), but most of all: its fun! Oh yeah, after you jack the car and squeal the tires to get away it only takes one button to power slide around the corner, past the pigs.

Much faster in Saint's Row.

After you rob the bank, jack a car, and burn the cops, you’ll want to do the next logical step: blow **** up! Lucky thing this game makes that so easy to do and with so many options. A regular gun will let you take out almost any vehicle in the game provided you don’t die (and you’ve got enough ammo), but who wants to waste their time with a plain gun?  Instead, choose from: rocket launchers, grenade launchers, exploding remote control cars, chain guns, flame throws, or a guided missile!  Those aren’t even all the weapons, those are just the ones I can say in one breath - and to get through them all it might take at least a few more breaths. To spice it up if the regular weapons aren’t enough, each one has about 5 levels to upgrade that change the strength and sometimes properties of the item, like a gun that shoots explosive rounds. Now I know these aren’t new items to the gaming world and maybe they don’t even sound that great, but in the world of Saints Row you live by the gun, and enemies die by the gun - so yours needs to be the bigger gun.

Should I take this one, or maybe that one?  Ah, decisions.

Okay, so now you’re armed, loaded with cash, nice wheels, and a bad attitude. Sounds like a good time to start thinking about taking things over, right? The first two games all took place in Stillwater. By the end of the second game the Saints owned the town and the rivals were dead or dying Saints run Stillwater uncontested. The Third takes place in a new town called Steelport, where the only difference in the town is really the name (and that the Saints are small potatoes again), but it still feels like Stillwater. That’s a good thing for the players that have been there before because without much effort you can get around the place without even really using the map. Again, you have several options on how to take over the place, activities that earn you part of the city, rival gangs that gather and need to be ummm, "dealt with," harshly.  The activities are so fun that even when you don’t finish in time, or you die during a level, it’s still fun to play it again without causing too much stress. It feels so right in every aspect that even though I wanted to rush the experience, it was nice to take the time to mix it up.

                

Another key component that makes this game stand out over its predecessors is the leveling system. In most games of this type you level like building a cake, first you do this to get this powerup and then you do this task and you get that gun or save that person to get that money. Saints let’s you make the cake icing first and then eat it inside out. You get respect points for doing certain tasks or missions, and then those points get used to level up your character - but you can tailor it to suit you. Overall, you’ll get everything at some point but to start you might want to build up your gang, instead of improving your driving, or making your character stronger. Those are just a few options, and as you level up more will become available that can be silly/deadly - but all are functional in making sure you rule the city.

I own this town!

                 

Ok so there are a few fails with this game - and I mean just a few - but I can’t overlook them because they are so apparent. One: the multiplayer is just a series of enemy waves. Don’t get me wrong, because like everything else in this game it’s fun and oddly addictive, but it’s the only multiplayer mode available. I can see why they limited the multiplayer this time and changed it up for The Third, seeing that the last two kind of sucked in the multiplayer department. The two previous installments just had too much to offer that was never really fleshed out, and in several ways the old versions took a lot to adjust to - but it was fun and missed from this game. The other issue is the frame clipping that does occasionally happen due to the sheer speed that this game plays at, it doesn’t happen all the time but it’s noticeable. Those few things said, the game rocks! It has made me hope that instead of the originally planned trilogy they will make a 4^th followed by a 5^th. In closing, go get it! It’s that simple: go get it and thank me later.

Pach's Real Talk: Amnesia - The Dark Descent

Greetings game-Oh my... oh my god are you ok? Jesus, sit down... can I get you anything? You look like you just ran a mile, you're covered in cuts and bruises, and your hair is starting to fall out. Just... just relax and tell pachy what happened. Wait, Amnesia? You played it ALONE?! Well... you know what they say about poking a sleeping bear with a stick.

Real talk.

Look, we've all been there. We've all been horribly emasculated before. It comes in all shapes and sizes ranging from accidentally calling your teacher "mommy" in 4th grade to having that one chick give you the "don't worry, it happens to everybody, I'm sure you're just stressed out" talk. Well F*** YOU DEBBIE MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T LOOK AT JOHN THAT WAY WE COULD HAVE MADE IT WORK. WE. COULD. HAVE. MADE. IT. WORK. Oh god....

Wait what was I talking about?... Ah, yes. Whores. And Amnesia.

Before we get started let me just say that I am a horror game/movie enthusiast. Now, I'm not talking about slashers and gore and virgins (because who REALLY likes those anyway?), I'm talking about good old fashioned theatrical horror. The kind of stuff that makes you scream and want to stop watching... but is so compelling that you keep coming back. The kind of stuff that has you shouting at the television or cuddling some random nearby object with the hopes that it will turn into something that loves you. Entertainment at its most basic level is there to elicit an emotional response from an audience, so to me the horror genre is incredibly important because it controls two of our most important emotional responses: fear and courage.

First, I think it's important to note what makes a "bad" or "unmemorable" horror experience, and then we'll talk about what makes Amnesia a truly incredible horror game.

Bad horror games or movies always tend to have the same things in common:

1.) They tend to overuse quick scares and shocks

2.) They tend to very much abuse special effects (in the case of movies) or extremely over the top weapons and gore in the case of games.

3.) They tend to not have very accessible scenarios or plots

4.) They tend to go for the cheaper hooks such as sex, offensive/explicit content, or stupid addons like multiplayer and survival modes.

What does all this mean? Well lets break down a few of those for a minute here... just to better understand where I'm coming from. Lets say you have a very young sibling (for the sake of argument lets say little sister) and you happen to be a very, very cruel person. Not too hard was it you psychopath...? But anyway, you want to really, REALLY scare the crap out of her. You have two options: You can either don a monster mask and garb, wait for the moment she's going to bed, and leap from the closet to scare her OR... you take her whilst she is asleep, lock her in a strange, dark basement or toolshed with no windows, and then when she wakes up make torture noises from outside for a few hours.

What's the difference there? Well you're probably thinking "One makes you an ass in her eyes, and the other puts her in therapy for 5 years." But why? Both don't actually cause any physical harm to her, or put her in any actual danger, but what's the difference? The difference is imagination. The human imagination is a terrible, dark, demented place filled with killer bunnies and midgets covered in peanut butter. With the immediate jumping out of the closet method, you blow your load all at once. She may jump or even scream, but then she see's that it's just her dickhead sibling and her mind relieves the stress. With the basement method, you allow her terrible imagination to dream up all the most horrible, painful, vile explanations to what is going on, and then force her to KEEP imagining until you let it stop. That is the difference. Whenever the imagination is allowed to do its sadistic duty, we as creative thinkers tend to put ourselves in FAR more peril than we may actually be in. Being afraid isn't about being logical and seeing something as scary, being afraid is about being irrational and imagining the worst case scenario for your demise.

Now, this is not to say that the "monster jumping from the closet" tactic doesn't have its fair share of uses. It can be VERY useful if put in the right circumstance. But going for the low-hanging fruit on a regular basis can cause the audience to get numb or detach from the experience. Which brings me to my next point: gore and weapons. These things can be the kiss-o-death for any horror experience if used incorrectly.

While one might immediately think "Seeing blood and guts everywhere is really scary!" That is never the best way to get the response that one wants from a horror game. A horror game is all about stress relief management. Let me say that again: stress. relief. management. In most "horror" games there is a fairly simple formula that designers tend to use when creating a scary experience. They put you in a scary place with scary blood and guts, then something scary comes out and scares you in the scary place, then you murder that scary thing and move on to the next area. They stress you out with immediate danger, and then when you solve the problem you go back to neutral waiting for the next scare.

Using poor stress relief management, games will stress you out with a monster that bursts through a window, or a random scream here or there, but once you get past it you realize that it was just your annoying brother in a mask.

However, with a true horror game, your stress doesn't go in peaks and dives. Your stress is a constant build. Every step further that you take puts you more and more on edge, and even when you deal with whatever antagonists the game has in store for you, you STILL don't feel any better. We've all played games with poor stress relief management... Dead Space, Doom, Fear, Condemned, etc.

Now, you may be thinking "Hey bro, dead space was supes scary! I jumped like a little girl the first time those things came out of the vents!" Well. I'm sure you did. The FIRST time. But by the twentieth vent, I'll bet that you didn't jump nearly as high, or scream nearly as loud. In fact, I'd wager that you didn't really react at all beyond the reflexive need to survive. I'll bet by the 50th mutilated baby or torture victim you probably became a little bit numb to the whole situation. That's because gore and direct violence do NOT make for a complete horror experience. We are never afraid of someone getting killed in front of us in a game, we are afraid of coming into a room knowing that tons of people HAD been killed there.

Put yourself in the protagonist's shoes and tell me what's worse: A monster jumps out, he spooks you, and you dismember it with your laser crossbow or shotgun to the joys of its screams and blood spattering the walls... OR A monster jumps out, you have no weapons so you grab the nearest pipe, you struggle with it, barely escape with your life, and realize "Holy god, it's still out there somewhere... waiting for me." Yeah. Have fun sleeping tonight.

The final point I'd like to make about bad horror games (before we get to sweet, sweet Amnesia) concerns the situations that designers put their players in. A lot of times we assume that putting players in a scary place, such as a bloody space station with aliens, or an abandoned military base with demons, will somehow assist the players in making an emotional connection to the game. But lets think about this for a second... what makes a player connect? Well one of the primary things that makes human beings connect to one another is empathy, or the ability to relate to one another and their experiences.

If a player can't put themselves in the shoes of the protagonist to a certain extent, or if they can't empathize with the hero's plight, the player tends to tune out a lot of what goes on from moment to moment. What I'm getting at here is: I can't remember the last time I was a super soldier with the ability to control time, trapped in an abandoned military base forced to fight my way through hordes of mutants and demons with my M4 and flashbangs... but I can remember a time when I've been alone in an abandoned hotel after dark, or trapped in an elevator, or stuck in a shady subway station with no cell phone, or been in a house that someone was trying to break into. It's that human connection that makes a horror game truly stand out as a memorable experience.

Which brings me to Amnesia - The Dark Descent. This game breaks all the formulas one expects from a horror game, and defies all expectations. Not only that, but it does so without ANY over the top blood and gore, or ridiculous shock tactics.

You begin the game not as a soldier, or an ex-cop, or a dude in a super suit, but as a guy. Just a normal guy. A normal guy who has seen some ****. Seen so much, in fact, that to keep from going crazy he drank an amnesia potion to forget all about it... all but one crucial thing: get to the bottom of this castle/mansion and murder an old man waiting for him down there.

So as you might expect you start off in a castle just after drinking this cocktail of brain melting goodness. There are no weapons, no power ups - just you, your balls, and your masochism to get you down to the bottom of this elaborate place. There is only one catch. Yeah, that terrible stuff that you wanted to forget about? Well... it's following you and trying to murder the crap out of you.

Alright, now without giving away any spoilers, lets get down to the awesome.

The protagonists' name is Daniel, a name you'll probably be screaming over and over again like a death scene in a bad action flick as he runs from one place to another (DANIELLLLL RUN YOU PIECE OF COWARDLY **** RUN RUN RUN RUN DANIEL DANIEEEEEEEEL). He is constantly being pursued by a "shadow" that takes the form of different monsters and just generally messed up things. Ok, actually that sounds pretty standard, right? Nothing too out of the ordinary for a scary video game, right? Wrong.

First of all, there is a special catch to the monster's presence in the game. By looking at it, your character slowly starts to lose his god damned mind a la Eternal Darkness. But not only that... by looking at it, it can see YOU better as well. This makes things a little bit complicated since you also have zero means to defend yourself, so your main mechanic when dealing with the monster is going to be hiding and running like a coward. Why is this actually a brilliant and meaningful mechanic as far as horror games go? Well, three reasons:

1.) As tough as we all would like to think we are (bro), the truth of the matter is this: if we were ever confronted with a horrifying monster that feeds on dreams and happiness, we would run, run, and run some more, then hide, cover our eyes and ears, and wait for death. That's just fact. So having the game mechanics tap into our core impulses like that makes for some VERY meaningful gameplay.

2.) Remember when we said stress relief management was about a build as opposed to a burst? What do you do when you have no way of striking back at the force that scared you... no way of punishing the game for making you feel the way you feel? The answer is you reach a level of uneasiness that is very difficult to achieve in a fantasy world.

3.) When even looking at the antagonist in a horror game is bad news, it causes the player to... well... not look at what is scaring them most of the time. Which means that the game is forcing the imagination to come up with a monster far more terrifying than anything the game designers could dream of. It also makes the monster personally catered to you as a player, which is an even more horrifying concept.

Not only that, but the environment of Brennenburg Castle (the place you're running for your life in) is perfectly designed to keep you on the edge of your seat every single solitary moment of gameplay. The lighting effects of the game are top notch, and have been designed to affect the gameplay as much as anything else. Sitting in darkness makes you go crazy faster... but darkness is usually the only place that you can hide from the monster in. Your lantern is your saving grace, and you will find yourself rustling through countless drawers and cabinets trying to find more oil and tinder... just like a real crazy person trapped in a hopeless murder castle would do. Oh... that is if the shadow doesn't blow out light sources as it comes and goes. Yeah... **** that thing.

The sound design brilliantly and subtly influences your every decision as you travel around. A creaking door here, a gust of wind there, a strange whisper (or was it?) and even the sound of your own footsteps all paint a picture of absolute terror for your mind to wrap itself around.

Sound also plays a huge role in the game because most of the time that's the only way you'll know whether or not the monster is coming after you. There is no traditional music in the game other than some ambient noise and tones based on your mental state and where you are, but when the monster comes the music changes to let you know to get the **** out of dodge. But to take it a step further, once the game trains you to respond a certain way to music and sound effects, it starts to mess with you a little bit. Sometimes the monster will show up without music, or the music will continue to play whether he's there or whether he left. While many other horror games develop scare patterns that players eventually get used to, Amnesia takes it a step further and teaches you to not trust your eyes or ears... but your impulses.

Which brings me to my next point: you should never "play" your way through a horror game, you should feel your way through it. A good horror game doesn't have any real patterns and it certainly doesn't let the player come to expect certain things. A good horror game grabs a hold of you and doesn't let go until you turn it off and go pretend like you weren't affected. That is what makes Amnesia so awesome. When you're playing, you're in it, and even when you scream or stop playing it still lingers with you as you go back into reality.

So many times we find similarities between our games and tend to expect certain outcomes for our behavior. You expect that the game will stay the same if you die and revive, you expect that once you beat a boss the game will lay off you for a minute to catch your breath, you expect in many ways that the game is on your side. With horror this is a difficult thing, because for the game to REALLY be on your side, it has to be scaring you and constantly putting you in stressful situations (ideally at a disadvantage), and it must be merciless about it. That's what you bought the game for: to be frightened so badly that you have a visceral reaction to the experience. And Amnesia delivers, every step of the way.

No hardcore weapons, no weird torture-babies, no tentacles, no gore, just good old fashioned theatricality. The ability to mess with a person's subconscious and emotional state of being is what makes any horror experience succeed or fail in the end. Amnesia - The Dark Descent doesn't disappoint. Not only does it not disappoint, but in this humble blogger's opinion it sets a very high standard for the horror genre that will not be met for some time. Every single aspect of this game is a success, and (if you've got the nerve... cause it's totally fine if you don't) I definitely suggest you pick it up.

Sid Meier's Civilization 5: My Adventures - Episode 1

This is a new segment I will be writing from time to time.  For those of you that know me, it comes as no surprise that I am a fan of the Civilization games.  I have poured countless hours into the recent embodiment of genius that is Civ 5, and I have come away from it with more than my fair share of stories, to say the least.  I intend to share these experiences with the general public by way of these posts.  For those of you that have never played any of the Civilization titles: do not be afraid to read on (but shame on you for not playing them!).  This segment will not be jargon-heavy, so those of you that have no knowledge of the series should still be able to enjoy the stories as much as an experienced Civ player.

My Adventures in Civilization 5 
Episode 1:  European Treachery

Pachbel (the same Pachbel who writes weekly for this blog) and myself have played several Civ 5 multiplayer campaigns.  We team up against other teams of computers and try our hands at different victory types.  Right after I purchased the game, we decided to jump right into an online game.  I picked the Chinese, and he picked the Japanese.  Since it was our first time playing the game, we had no real plans on pursuing any particular victory.  We started the game, only to find out that we ended up on continents on the opposite side of the map.  So naturally, we decided that our first objective would be to join our two civilizations in an unholy union of world superpowers.  To accomplish this, we needed to explore first.  Things started fairly slow as we ran around with our scouts to check the surrounding landscape.  However, it wasn't long before I found a World Wonder (in the form of Cerro de Potosi) and was promptly distracted by the riches it promised.  After quickly looking up the purpose of obtaining wonders, I began to try and expand my empire towards the gem-encrusted mountain.  While I was working towards this, I happened upon the esteemed Elizabeth of England.  Excited about the prospect of procuring an ally for our empire, I decided to try an exercise in diplomacy with the English queen.  Of course, Elizabeth wanted no part in anything I had to offer, promptly threatening me with the wrath of the Redcoats should I get in her way.  Not one to shy away from a challenge, I decided to test her resolve (I wasn't about to let her steal Cerro de Potosi) - and she definitely held true to her word.

Off in the Land of the Rising Sun, things weren't going as well for Pachbel (which is saying something, since I was at the brink of war with an angry Brit).  While I was off chasing wonders and hobnobbing with bitter queens, my ally was toiling in misery while fighting off the barbarian horde.  For those of you that have not played the game, barbarians are essentially the trolls of Civ 5.  They never manage to do any real damage to your cities, but if you leave a worker/settler unattended, you can bet that some upstart barbarian gang will show up to snatch that precious citizen right out of your hands.  This also applies to leaving a low health military unit out in the open, or leaving a city without the protection of at least one capable defender.  Whenever you're vulnerable, the Barbs will find a way to troll you.  They'll burn every tile improvement you have, kidnap any unprotected worker they can find, and pick off any low health unit that doesn't have support, and then simply leave your lands to go troll someone else (or perhaps start 4chan) - presumably while listening to this song the entire time.  Barbarian camps also work like the heads of the mythical Hydra.  If you incinerate one camp, two or three more will spring up to take its place.  By this point in the game, Japan had not one, not two, but SEVEN barbarian camps surrounding it from all sides.  Needless to say, things were not going well for Japan - leaving me without allied support against England.

Barbarians:  the epitome of wit and elegance.

Without the help of my allies on the other side of the world, I was going to have to find a way to hold off a British invasion with my currently undermanned Chinese forces.  This was when I discovered the beauty of the devastating Chu-Ko-Nu.  For those that don't know, the Chu-Ko-Nu is China's version of a crossbowman.  However, comparing a Chu-Ko-Nu to a normal crossbowman is like comparing an atomic bomb to a cherry bomb.  The former destroys nations, while the latter destroys toilets.  I had a whopping two of these deathdealers to hold off the entirety of the British army, and I was able to do it with ease.  The crossbow volleys were too much for the cranky Elizabeth, and so the Red Coats retreated - with my army suffering nothing more than a single death.  Her majesty retreated back to her own borders (which were touching mine at this point) to regroup.

Elizabeth was not aware of this universal truth.

 

It was at this point in time that I was introduced to the noble Napoleon.  The Frenchman apparently hated the Brits just as much as I did, and he was more than eager to ally against them, IF I provided him with an open borders treaty.  I should have found it suspicious that the diminutive general happened to have 10-12 troops stationed right outside my borders before the treaty was signed, but I dismissed it as him providing me with assistance against my British oppressors.  I was about to find out one of Civ 5's life lessons - never trust Napoleon.  Sure enough, the French wasted no time flooding my borders with their troops, all under the guise of helping in the fight against Elizabeth.  A few moments later, Napoleon promptly revealed his ace in the hole - allying with the Brits and attacking my cities from within my own borders.  I was now holding off invasions on two fronts from two European superpowers.  My Chinese empire was in serious trouble.

At this point you might be saying: "Hey Boston, where the hell is Pachbel's Japanese army?" Sadly, I was wondering the very same thing.  Japan had indeed finally broken through the Barbarian blockade, only to find that the two of us were separated by the majority of the ocean.  Upon being told of my plight, Pach sent a few contingents of Samurai to help me in the war effort.  Sadly, the war would most likely end before the majestic swordsmen even reached their destination.  Having just broken free from his barbarian rulers, it was at this time that Pachbel decided to do what any emperor would have done in his situation - he set out to find things to murder.  Japan embarked on a mission to take over the entirety of the Southeastern continent.  This started with the systematic obliteration of anything that even resembled a barbarian camp.  After that task was complete, Pachbel set his sights on any and all nearby city-states.  City-states are just like civilizations, except they typically only have a single city.  They are mostly used as pawns to supply your empire with resources or soldiers.  Hardened from the dark ages of barbarian oppression, Pachbel ignored the potential usefulness of the city-states and began to take over each and every one he could find.  The city-states fought hard, but the might of Japan was just too much for them to handle, and Pachbel soon found himself the proud owner of 6 new cities - spread all across his continent.  However, the Japanese bloodlust had not yet been sated.  Pachbel only hungered for more, setting his sights on Gandhi's India.  Gandhi replied by declaring war on us, but this didn't deter Pachbel one bit.  He wouldn't be stopped until every Indian city was flying a Japanese flag.

Sorry Gandhi, but "peace" isn't on the menu. 
We can definitely do the tempura though.

Back over in my neck of the woods, I had successfully managed to destroy most of the French invaders and roughly 2/3 of the British army.  At this point, Napoleon did the very thing that the French do best - he retreated.  Stationing half my troops at home to protect my flank from the feisty Brits, I began my Occupy France campaign.  The difference between Occupy France and Occupy Wall Street is that my campaign didn't involve tents and homeless protesters, it involved me hunting down anything in a blue coat and making them wish they'd never screwed with the Chinese.  After chasing the French halfway to their capital, I had begun to think that I may have been a little over-zealous.  I sent my troops to regroup back in my cities.  Thankful for the reprieve, Napoleon retracted his declaration of war and requested a proclamation of friendship.  With my crossbow-wielding death machines in tow, I was still feeling good about my ability to hold off any invasions, so I accepted the proclamation.  After seeing that I was now friendly with France, Elizabeth signed a peace treaty.  Things were now fairly quiet on the Chinese front, so I began to expand my empire wherever I could find useful resources.  My science score was also getting fairly high, so Japan and I were pumping out technological advancements like nobody's business - shooting us ahead of the competition by leaps and bounds.   Would this prove to be our rivals' crucial mistake?

Over in the land of the Japanese Crusades, Pachbel had convincingly conquered India.  With Gandhi out of the picture, he set his blood-hazed gaze upon his new target: the Persian Empire, led by Darius the Great.  Until this point, Darius had never bothered with the Japanese, but that didn't stop Pachbel from attacking the noble Persian with his battle-hardened Japanese army.  This war lasted several decades, but eventually Persia would fall to the swarm of samurai and cannons at Japan's disposal.  Having completely dominated his own continent, Pachbel decided that he would finally make the long-awaited trek across the ocean to pay a visit to my empire.  His small Samurai contingent had already made their way to my side of the world, but they had been distracted by the prospect of conquering yet another city-state, so they never managed to make their way to my borders.  I was faring quite well at this point though, as I was able to rake in large amounts of money and resources while at peace for the first time in ages.  My army was also quite sizable, and I had a technological advantage over all of my rivals.  Elizabeth was too intimidated to actually try and attack me at this point, but that didn't stop Napoleon NaTROLLeon.  True to his nickname, the warmonger suddenly requested that I open my borders to him again.  Not one to fall for the same trick twice, I refused.  This angered Napoleon, but not enough to declare war.  I decided to send a unit of fast-moving cavalry to scout my borders.  Sure enough, there was Napoleon's army, preparing for yet another invasion.  I repositioned my defensive troops to block his entry into my domain.  Upon reaching the blockade, the foolhardy Frenchman declared war - charging at me with everything from Musketeers to Cannons.  Unfortunately (for Napoleon), my technology was more advanced than the French had anticipated, and I wiped out half of the invasion without suffering a single casualty.  Napoleon's French instincts took over again, and he retreated back to his homelands.

"I'm also great at starting fights I can't finish"
- Napoleon

It was tempting to back off and continue to advance my civilization as best as I could, but I had my fill of this backstabbing Frenchman.  Knowing that the Japanese would be there to protect me from an attack by the English, I moved the majority of my army to the west to do what I should have done ages ago - track down and destroy the French empire.  Elizabeth, ever the opportunist, saw my attack on Napoleon as a chance to grab some French cities of her own.  She promptly declared war on the Blue Coats and set off for Paris.  Pachbel's army had arrived on my borders around this time, and had begun positioning itself in a defensive posture around my cities.  Knowing that Elizabeth had left her borders relatively unguarded, the battle-hungry Japanese began to salivate over the prospect of seizing some British land.  Pachbel and I agreed that we could wait until Napoleon had been dealt with before we decided on Britain's fate.

When I arrived in France over to the west, Napoleon had mustered up a pathetic defensive line as a last ditch effort to dissuade my invasion.  I vaporized the defenders in moments, making them nothing more than a speed bump on my road to Paris.  I set upon the first city in my sights, taking it over with little effort.  I stationed a defensive garrison inside my first French city, and aptly renamed it "New Beijing." I set upon two other outlying cities, taking them as easily as I had taken the first.  Once I had properly garrisoned those cities, I had caught the scent of freshly-baked French baguettes.  I followed my nose and finally laid eyes upon Paris.  I decided to take my time and explore the French empire before committing to the siege of the capital.  As I expected, Elizabeth had already taken two southern cities, and was marching her troops over to Paris.  I was not going to let the Brits steal my thunder, so I redirected 7 troops to cut off the English soldiers - prematurely ending their celebratory champagne drinking.  I arrived just before the Red Coats and promptly surrounded the French city.  Just before his capital fell, I received a peace treaty request from Napoleon.  Sadly, my hearing was damaged from the cacophony of mortar-fire, and the warmonger's plea fell on deaf ears.  I proceeded to take Paris while the British watched.  Elizabeth did not appear to be phased by this, but she was also likely intimidated by my military prowess.  After I secured the once-French cities with adequate defenses, I started my long march home.  Knowing that the English were doing the same, I managed to edge ahead of their march, preventing them from reaching the English borders.  The Japanese were stationed around two English cities, and I had successfully surrounded the entire British army out in the open.  I'm sure you can guess what followed.

Wow, I can smell that delicious French Chinese bread from here!

If you guessed that we had several tea parties with the queen while we reminisced about Napoleon's traitorous behavior, you'd be wrong.  We set upon the British with the ferocity of a pack of wolves, and there was nothing that Elizabeth could do.  We quickly laid waste to all her outlying cities, making our way towards London, Elizabeth's last bastion of hope.  The combined might of the Chinese and Japanese armies was just too much for the English queen, and she fell just as all our other opponents did, as we rose from the ashes in triumph.  We had successfully conquered the world.  However, this was not the end for Boston and Pachbel, so stay tuned to The Little Gaming Blog to hear about our next adventure.  Happy reading!